WCEmail
by Phil From Produce
Summary: The winx club characters recieve ridiculous emails, from skye's jackass career to flora being in a death metal band called Turbomarigoldian. Updated May 27th, 2012! after 3 & a half years, You get to read the classless humor again!
1. Skye on Jackass

Title: The Characters of Winx Club recieve outrageous emails.

Rated: Unrated

Disclaimer: Who doesn't own the Winx Club?

----

(Today's subject: Skye)

"Ok, let's check this email. Here's one titled Jackass from a fan" said Skye

The email read as follows

Dear Prince Skye of Eraklyon

I'm a big fan of the jackass series. My favorite guy is Steve-E. Have you ever done a homemade Jackass?

Signed

Stephanie Mickman.

"Alright. I can answer this one. Sure i've done homemade jackass. Here's 2 of my stunts." said Skye

(static)

Skye was standing over a pit full of hot girls, while Brandon was in with the girls.

"Hi, i'm Brandon the lifeguard, and if any of these girls want to ruin Skye, i'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably

have my way with them."

Then the scene cuts to the author

"If he falls, (in subtitles, it says "X-R-cist, expert on females) and he lands near a female, he will relax, let the female kiss

him and play with him, and hope that she will release him." Said X-r-cist, the author

"Hi, i'm Prince Skye, and this is female tightrope." said Skye

Skye began walking on the tightrope.

"There's no such thing as failure, Skye!" said Riven

At that second, Skye fell into the pit of colonge-doused-crazy-for-a-prince girls.

(static)

"Today we're in Salifornia with Serg, here, and he's going to tell us how to milk a Dragon" said Timmy

Timmy continued "The way we're gonna do that, is we're gonna bring over a male dragon, who will be breathing hot, and there will

be a dragoness, and as soon as the male dragon sees the dragoness and mounts her, we're gonna grab the dragon's penis, and shove it

into this fake dragoness vagina."

"The old switcheroo." said Skye

Everyone laughed

"Such a mean trick." said the author

Then the scene goes to a dragon being brought over to a dragoness.

"He's got that mean look in his eyes." said Timmy

"I've seen that exact look in your eyes, Brandon." said Riven

The dragon mounted the dragoness. Serg grabbed the dragon's penis and put it into the fake vagina.

"Ok, we got the penis into the fake dragoness vagina...I think i can feel the tip of it." said Timmy

"Someone cradle the balls." said the author

eventually, the dragon shot his load.

"He lasted longer than you, skye." said Riven

"Is it ok to drink?" asked the author

"The cum? No problem." said Serg

"Ok!" said Skye

"If i do this, this gets me out of doing something bad for the future." said Brandon

"Ok." said the author

Skye unscrewed the little bottle where the dragon semen gathered. He got a whiff of it.

"ew, thats bad...here, brandon, test that." said skye

Brandon drank some. Skye and Timmy began to vomit. Riven nearly vomited.

"Thats semen all right." said Brandon

(static)

"Evedently." Skye continued on the email "I am a jackass. From Timmy having a baby dragon bite his nipple to Riven

getting a vagina branded on his ass, it's certainly been a great thing to do. Well, until next time, keep sending us

your questions, and we should answer them, or just make a sweet-ass show about it."

(TV turns off)


	2. Bloom on Where the F is CSF?

Title: Where the F--- is carmen sanfrancisco?

summary: in this episode, someone asks bloom if she's ever broken an arm or leg. she says yes, and it's kind of funny

where it happened.

---

(todays subject: bloom)

"ok, time to see that email." said bloom, opening an email from The Peepee family.

it's an email from it reads as follows

---

Dear blodwyn (AN: i say that in dedication to chibi horsewoman)

My daughter, princess broke her arm last week. she wanted to know if her favorite fairy ever broke her arm or leg?

thanks

Pau urful Peepee

---

"ok, while i don't understand my name as blodwyn...maybe it's from another country."

Bloom begins typing

"ok, this is gonna be weird to say, but i did break my arm on a TV show...it was my chance to be famous, but if it wernt for Beet mimeet, the host,

i'd be famous!"

(static)

An announcer began to talk.

"And now we are on the hunt for a dangerous criminal! she stole all the shake and bake CDs from the local CD minus! so do it

suck-a-dicka!"

then these acapella guys began to sing

"do-whop-doobie-boobie-op, tell me, where the F--- is carmen San francisco!"

the audience cheered.

"hey! welcome, i'm your host Beet mimeet, and welcome to where the F--- is Carmen sanfrancisco! we're not gonna let that bitch

get away any farther, so without further ado, let's introduce our contestants!"

The audience cheered as the contestants, or "suckers" as they called them, came out.

"First, from the bottomless pit, he's 5 years old, little boogeyman!" said the announcer

every laughed at boogeyman, then they puked when he ate worms.

"Next, from nutley, new jersey, he's 25 years old, balls mahoney!"

the audience laughed, but stopped laughing as balls grabbed a chair and whacked a kid over the head, putting a dent in the chair.

"ok, and finally, from gardenia, she's 10 years old, bloom!" said the announcer

the crowd went insane with whistles and chirps. one guy chanted "show your tits!"

(static)

the gameshow went alright. me and balls became good buddies. boogeyman, well, he was kinda weird."

bloom adds a page.

"well, the segment of me busting my arm came in the bonus round."

(static)

it's the bonus round. it's only bloom and balls mahoney.

"welcome to the bonus round, this is where bloom and balls mahoney chase carmen sanfrancisco to the goal." said beet mimeet

then beet turned around and accidentally tripped bloom. bloom hit the ground and broke her arm.

just then, medics surrounded bloom and kids started to walk to the crash scene. balls, being the great gentleman he is,

grabbed a chair and told the kids to leave bloom alone, as medics looked at her arm.

(static)

"Yes, balls is a great guy. and he recently got his job back in ECW. i like the guy. well, in the end, the episode wasn't aired all because

i broke my arm. that closes up this segment. i'm gonna plan a suprise for that dirty bastard, beet mimeet."

(TV turns off)


	3. Darcy's Wild life

Title: Darcy's Wild Life

Summary: was darcy really raised by the same parents as her sisters? (please note, this was a really big one)

---

(today's Subject: Darcy)

"Oh shit, gotta check the hatemail." said darcy

darcy found one that said "The real blue lagoon."

"oh shit. i don't think this'll be cool."

The email reads as follows

---

"dear really hot witch

I visited your older sister's room last night and didn't see you in any of the family pictures. were you adopted?"

signed

omigosh

prince of dontgivadam

---

"dang, these emails are getting worse and worse every single day." said Darcy

darcy began to write

"yeah, i was adopted. so were you, you punk-ass bitch. why do you think i'm hotter than my 2 sisters? i grew up naturally. yeah, my

parents didn't want me when i was 3 so they told me they were teaching me how to swim, so they threw me overboard a boat

and told me to swim after the boat as they took off at full speed."

darcy took a sigh.

"but, before you start dissing my real parents, the world made up for it by giving me an island to live on...might i add with a cute

boy...for 10 f---in' years!"

(static)

Scene shows darcy coming onshore to a tropical island. the first thing she sees is a huge beach and an object that looks like

a pop machine.

"is it...a pop machine!" said darcy, running across the beach to see the pop machine.

when she got closer, she thought it said "pepsi" on it.

"alright! pepsi!" she said, running faster, but when she got there, her hopes sank.

"oh man, it's just an RC cola machine." said darcy

Darcy walked off in disappointment. she sat down underneath some trees and stared into the ocean.

"i wonder if mommy and daddy will come back." she said

just then, there was a little scream from the back. then heavy footsteps

Darcy turned around to see some feet running off.

"hey! come back!"

(static)

"I have to take a break for a second here...

(intermission screen shows)

The first sounds heard were the sounds of a toilet flushing.

"ok, back. damn, kids, never go drinking at dairy king. it'll rot your teeth out and burn your bladder."

(static)

Darcy was running after the thing that screamed. as she ran, she collided with a giant tree.

"ow. my head."

she fainted. then the thing she was chasing picked her up and brought her somewhere.

When darcy woke up, she was staring up at a cute 4 year old boy

"ahh! are you..."

"yep, i save you." said the boy

"but, but i don't get it." said darcy

"my name booboo." said the boy

"i'm darcy." said darcy

"booboo like darcy's hair." said booboo

(static)

"aparently booboo, or bobby, as he was actually called, was there for longer than i was. he was 1 when his dad, a drug dealer,

left him there to die. then he went to go live with monkeys that raised him. right now he's still at the institute, still being

researched. i promised i'd get him out...eventually." said darcy "well, back to the story."

(Static)

As time goes on, darcy and booboo grow older. soon, booboo is 11 and darcy is 10. the boy grows bigger and stronger,

the girl more beautiful. soon, they fall in love.

The scene goes to darcy and booboo on the beach, near the water.

"what darcy looking at?" asked booboo

"your muscles. they're good." said darcy

"quit looking at booboos muscles!" said booboo

"then quit staring at my squishies!" said darcy, holding her hands over her breasts

Just then, a bunch of blood began to leak into the water right underneath darcy.

(static)

"yes, the time in life when a girl gets her period. it was sad. booboo was very helpful though. he took some leaves and cleaned

my private parts up. but as he got older, he began to discover some things about his own private parts." said darcy

(static)

now, darcy is 13, completely beautiful, and booboo is 14. he has hair growing on his face and body.

Booboo is also playing with his "yink"

"hey booboo, what are you doing?" asked Darcy

"Booboo playing with yink!" said booboo

"ew, quit playing with that." said Darcy

"why? what happen?" asked booboo

"i don't know." said Darcy

"maybe nothing happen." said booboo

"hey, maybe something will." said darcy

"no, darcy, nothing happen. i play with yink all the time and.." Booboo was staring at darcy's breasts, now fully formed "woah...darcy..

some happen!"

Just at that moment, booboo's semen was all over darcy's face.

(static)

"and again, one of life's best moments, when a man discovers his penis is used for more than just peeing. a few days after that

we were picked up by a helicopter and brought to a research facility to be looked at. i wasn't there long, a family named trix

adopted me. 2 sisters. well, they made me the way i am. as for booboo, you know what, i'm gonna go get him out of the research

facility." said darcy

Darcy drove a levabike down to the research facility. when she got there, she parked the bike and went inside to the secretary.

"hey ma'am." said darcy

"darcy! how are you?" asked the secretary

"where's bobby, or booboo?" asked darcy

"oh, a family adopted him 2 years ago. quite sad. you 2 looked cute together when they brought you in that day." said the secretary

"and he still looks cute today..where did he go?" asked darcy

"actually, his family went on a vacation on schrico, but he's been missing for 2 days..."

Darcy took off like a shot.

(TV turns off)


	4. Icy and the Nipple Suckling

Title: Icy on jackass

Summary: Discover the reason why jackass doesn't have females doing stunts anymore.

---

(Todays subject: Icy!)

"Ah, damn those pop-ups with those screensavers!" yelled icy

Then an "you have mail" announcement popped up. it was from a hot stuff! jesus holy christ, i keep getting emails from lesbians!" said icy, who was a lesbian herself

The email read as follows

---

Dear icy trix

i'm a jackass fan, and bam garmera is the best, he's so hot. by the way, i recall seeing you on that episode with the suckling healer,

you know, where they put that suckling on your nipple? yeah, why don't you come back to jackass! i miss you!"

signed

The Bam Garmera fan

---

"ok, i'm only gonna say this once...f--- no!" screamed icy

she began to type

"listen, if there's one thing in this god-forsaken universe that i hate, it's got to be lesbians that want me to return to jackass, just so they can

have the pleasure of witnessing me put a suckling on my nipple! i'll show it to everyone else. any lesbians, please turn your TV's off!"

(static)

The scene shows skye, bam garmera, Marvin laye, flora and icy all with a suckling healer.

"ok, we're here in eraklyon, we found a suckling healer, and these guys need a little healing." said Skye "so, doc, can you help us?"

"Sure, why not." said the doctor in an accent.

The scene cut to the sucklings.

"when people have disorders of the blood, we apply suckling for them, and they get sucked of the clots and diseases in the blood."

"that sounds good." said skye "let's put one on icy's nipple."

"i don't advise to apply suckling on nipples, if you wish to apply, you can apply yourself." said the healer, picking up the suckling

"Well, don't hand him to me." said skye

then bam garmera took the suckling.

icy unbuttoned her shirt, and moved her bra to reveal her nipple. then bam garmera placed the suckling right on icy's nipple.

"ahhh! f---in' shit! no! no!" yelled icy

"Suckling cannot suck blood from that body part, if it is not impure." said the healer

Icy continued to scream and moan until bam finally had the sense to remove it.

"ahh!" said icy

"now you say thanks to the suckling." said skye

icy walked off.

---

"and now, the grand finale...the suckling slurpee." said marvin laye

(static)

"To ensure this email keeps a 14a/mature-rating, i think you can use your imagination for that stunt." said icy "but now, i will show you the

stunt that got me out of jackass." said icy

(static)

"Hi! i'm Icy trix, here with X-r-cist, and this is the mini-loop!" said icy, starting up the motor to a miniature levabike.

Icy rode the levabike to the beginning of the starting line.

"here i go!" she said

flora spoke (this was when she was flaaghra)

"Nice, i'm not a lesbo but i kinda wanna f--- her!" said flaaghra/flora

then icy hit the loop, and landed on her head. the group and some medics came to her aid.

"ah...i'm okay!" said icy

"You didn't land it." said X-r-cist

"my head helped from getting my body really hurt on that one." said icy

(static)

Thats when the crew decided they didn't want to see me get hurt anymore cause "i was a girl" flaaghra got the boot too. we'd come

to watch stunts though, but eventually, the stunts got too digusting. like Riven eating dragon shit and brandon drinking horse cum."

icy stopped typing.

"and for those lesbos who got horny watching me, f--- you!"

(TV turns off)


	5. Riven gets a Boner

Episode 2 - A show about sex

Summary: Riven recieves an email from a girl who wants to know about sex.

---

(today's subject: riven)

Riven sat down at a computer

"damn, gotta answer my emails. let's look for one by a female."

Riven opened one from a chick who's address was this one goes..."

the email goes as follows

---

Deer Riven

i'm in a sex-edd class and it's akshuly quit fun. its funner than PE with X-R-cist (he's a great guy)

anyway, i need sum help frum a guy hoo nos about sex. U do, right?

XOXO

Jenny

---

Riven began to type

"Well, i've got two ideas. first, you might want to use spellcheck. second, Yeah, i know about sex. unfortunately, whenever i tried having sex, my

stick was so powerful, i shot the girls i was having sex with off my dick, my semen is that powerful. so thats why me and my girl have never

had sex yet.

But, before you go to jerry sprungaleak for help, lemme ask you, why did you sign up for sex ed in the first place? i mean, isn't sex ed a

scary class? or, you were sucked in by the fact that you could learn more about sex? i guess thats why.

well, me and my buddies put together a porno which might help. it's called "from sparx with a love bone"

(static)

"Hi, i'm Brandon, and i'm the star of this film. you're watching "from sparx with a love bone""

The scene cut to a pair of sparxian prostitutes...

(scene cuts to "innapropriate for young audiences, and you're all young, so no way, buddy!)

(static)

"Hey! turn the porno back on! ah man, i was getting a bone." said riven

the computer said "no way buddy, you're still too young."

"What! you're a f---in' computer! you can't tell me what to do!" said riven

"Yes i can, i'm your momma!" said the computer

"ah f--- you!" said riven, taking a baseball bat and smashing the computer.

"ok, i sure hope i sent that email." said riven

(TV turns off)


	6. Flora is a puckin' Funk!

Title: The Flaaghra

Summary: someone asks flora if she's been in a death metal band.

---

(Today's subject: Flora)

"Ok, let's see if my emails from hotguys has come in yet...hey, an email from a fan." said flora

Flora opens it.

"ok, an email from... oh no, this isn't gonna be good." said flora.

the email read as follows

---

Dear flaaghra

Why did you leave Turbomarigoldian? i loved it when you were doing lyrics for that band! i especially loved it when you

were in the video for "i'm a devil". why did you leave turbomarigoldian?"

from one of those guys that did a one night bonk with you,

"Saffron" Jones

---

"Flaaghra! Turbomarigoldian! oh no, my death metal garage band! they became famous! oh my god!" said flora

Flora began to type in a response.

"well my loyal fan who did a one night bonk with, yes, i was flaaghra then. i really wish i hadn't gotten those tattoos, they cost lots of

coin to take off and it hurt like a sting from a cinnabar wasp. well, i kinda wish i could come back." said Flora

(static)

Heavy rock music plays in a guy named tom's garage. Tom is on the drums, the author is on the bass guitar, another gothic girl

named isilee is on the electric guitar, and flora, only wearing a ripped button shirt that says "Flaaghra" on it, holds the

mic. they're singing a song called all my friends are murdered.

"All my friends are murdered"

written by Gauntlet (the author's character in this story)

Performed by Turbomarigoldian

on the album "Dumbass: featuring the prince of eraklyon"

2006

all my friends are murdered

all my friends are murdered

got shot in the head

and now they're dead

I always knew we would end up dead today

they robbed the eastside and played with deadly gangs

now they're buried and they're dead!

(static)

"seriously, the rest of the song is coarse lyrics...then my mom found out and made me take a vow of peace, which made

me what i am now. it also made me shyer and i hate it. i liked being in Turbomarigoldian. now i really didn't like going

to school, but eventually the peace set in. maybe when i'm done i'll go back to turbomarigoldian. well, till then..."

flora was cut off

there was a knock at the door

"wow. i wonder who that is?" asked flora

flora opened the door to come face to face with the bassist, gauntlet

"hey! flaaghra, our album became platinum!" said Gauntlet

"thats awesome, gauntlet." said flora "but i'm not in the band anymore, thanks to my mom." said flora

"well, flaaghra, or flora, whatever you like being called, the band decided that we'd give you a share of the coin

we earned." said gauntlet

"really?" asked flora "how much?"

"Lots, flaaghra...tons. try 20,000 Inter-galactic credits." said Gauntlet

"really! wow!" said flora, hugging gauntlet

"flaaghra! Flaaghra, flora, shit, you're strong." said Gauntlet

"thanks...i love you, man!" said flora

"thanks...well, here's the money." said gauntlet, handing flora the 20,000 bucks.

Flora took it, and returned to her computer.

"Well, my good friend saffron, i made 20,000 just being associated with the band...i guess i could rejoin. well, see you fans!"

(TV turns off)


	7. Musa's Titty

Title: Musa's titty

Summary: Musa gets a record deal. the album turns up a small success, but musa really gets her fans with her live performance.

Special Disclaimer: Slayer has not authorized the use of their name in this fanfic, and therefore has no knowledge of their name in this fanfic.

--

(Today's Subject: musa)

"Ok, lets see what kind of spam my hotmail picked up today." said musa

Musa opened up an email from

"ok...it reads."

"Dear musa

I just bought a copy of your old album on Cassette tape at a Scrilla-villa and i wanted to get more,

can you please tell me where i can get your live performance cassette or DVD?

your fan and local awesome kong imitator,

Big bertha"

"Bertha! oh my god, bloom's cellmate in prison! (Read "Bloom, don't drop the soap" for character connection)

Well bertha, i wouldn't buy it if i were you." said Musa

Musa started up the reply page.

"well, i wouldn't buy it. seriously...it's f--ing embarrasing." said musa

(static)

"Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for musa!" said the Emcee on the mic

The audience clapped and then musa came out with a guitar over her neck.

"ok, boys and girls, men and women of all ages, i wrote this song about childhood. enjoy."

Musa began to play her guitar.

"oh, when i was born, i came out my mommy's tummy"

she fed me formula because it was so yummy."

"Those lyrics suck, bitch!" yelled an audience member

Musa looked out and saw the pulpit.

"Will you shut up!" yelled another audience member.

Musa still played

"then i grew up and went to school

cause i didn't want to be a fool."

The audience booed. some little kids began to sing along.

"I went to a school far from a city..."

Just then, a little kid crawled onto the stage and grabbed musa's left boob.

"AHHH! my titty!" yelled musa

The audience just burst into explosive laughter. such a serious song had become a laugh show.

"No! thats not the lyric!" yelled musa

"Ah! my titty!" the audience chanted

Musa was embarrased as hell. she ran from the stage. the audience kept laughing and chanting "ah! my titty!"

"Well, that was ok...well next up, we have the band, Slayer!" yelled the emcee

The audience cheered and began to chant "Slayer, slayer, slayer!"

Then, The band came out and began to play angel of death.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Tom araya screamed the opening lyric, then added "My titty."

The audience burst into laughter again. even jeff hanneman and kerry king were laughing their metalheads off.

(static)

"So that was pretty f--ing embarrasing. i lost the talent competition. and the record company slammed me for using that kind

of language on local TV. and for the record, pervs, my boob didn't grow from being groped! thats just a freakin' rumour started up by some

old man with his old lady. oh yeah, for you metalheads, slayer wasted the competition. anyways, i've gotta write a new song about that

little incident now...see you all."

Musa then got up and leaned forward to put her headphones on the screen, and bumped her boob on the screen.

"Ahh! my titty!" she said

(static)

--

Read and F'n review.


	8. Tecna's NES

Title: Tecna's NES isn't working

Summary: On WCEmail, tecna gets a letter concerning her NES.

Disclaimer: My girlfriend is fat...but to me she's beautiful...to that fat kid i offended at the pool...i have no remorse...stop eating mickey d's, man...

--

"Stupid chain letters! my mom won't die in 4 hours!" said Tecna at the screen

"You've got mail!" said the computer

"Sweet! lets read it!" said tecna, opening up her email manager thing.

it read.

"Dear Techna

I bought an NES from T&Ts broken and used electronics, and i gotta say, it is awesome. i enjoy playing the games it offers, and whats

even more fun is the naughty pleasure from it. do you have one?

Signed

Nohbeekeenee Top"

"Nobeekeenee? oh! the Nickelist planet people. yeah!" said tecna, starting her reply

"Yeah i used to own an NES. it was awesome. mine came with 6 games and 2 dial controllers...thats right! dial controllers...just hooked

them up to my nipples and then i was playing titty twister deluxe on the NES...yeah...The Nipple Electronica Sucker. Yeah." Wrote Tecna

(static)

"Are you bored with arkanoid and it's dial controller? wanna twist some real nice dials?" said an announcer, and on the screen showed

a topless girl getting her nipples twisted by a machine.

"Get the NES! the Nipple Electronica Sucker! it is awesome! comes with 6 games, Radical Racing, Tetranus, STD slayer, Titty

Twister deluxe, Guitar hero, And Ejaculate the chinese whore!" and just when you thought titty twisting had gone as far as it could,

Telmat Electronics has released the Bushwhacker! a device you put on a bush! and it whacks it!"

The screen shows a bushwhacker on a real bush. the leaves and shrubbery breaks away.

(static)

"Ok, that commercial...still gets me to want to play my NES. lets check er out." said Tecna

Tecna got the NES out and hooked it up to her TV.

"Ok, lets play guitar hero...and play Our turn now by Carman Dominic Luccidarello"

Tecna started up the Device. but she got the screen that said "NES isn't working".

Tecna tried restarting the device, but it just kept giving her that screen.

Finally, she trashed the thing, throwing it out the window. it landed right beside Carman Dominic Lucciardello.

"wow...this thing looks sinful..." he said

--

- Carman Dominic Lucciardello is a christian music artist...here's his video of our turn now - /watch?vofHTh9EKzr4


	9. Brandon's First Job

WCEmail 9 - Brandon's first job

Summary: Brandon answers an email from a girl who is telling him about getting a job,

and asks brandon what his first job was - selling make-up with a hermaphrodite boss.

(Static)

"Oh wow, we haven't checked our WCEmail in 4 years! let's do it now!" said brandon

Brandon checked his emails.

"oh boy, a letter from a 16 year old girl. Go jailbait!" he cheered

The letter read as follows.

"Dear Brandon.

I'm a 16 year old cutie who's totally hot for you. I spent my daddy's credit card into

something called Det, and now I have a crappy job selling sunglasses at the mall. my

boss is mean and she scams the government, cause she's on disability yet she still

works. i was wondering what your first job was, and how crappy it was."

Please answer this,

Terri Dacktal

"Oh man, this one's gonna suck." Brandon spoke, then he began his reply.

"Look Terri, Det is spelled with a B. And working is part of life. I've had tons of jobs

before I got to be Skye's wingman and squire. My 2nd job involved picking up garbage

for the city of eraklyon but i lost it when I accidentally threw a live cat in the compactor.

(Static)

Brandon is throwing garbage into the back of a garbage truck.

"ok brandon, we got 3 blocks to go!" called out the supervisor.

"ok, i'm coming." said brandon

the compactor started up. then the sounds of meowing and squeals were heard.

"whats that sound?" asked the supervisor

Then the noises stopped.

"driver, stop! open the compactor." said the supervisor

The supervisor pulled out the bag. he opened it up and found a freshly squished

dead cat.

"so, brandon, is this your idea of a joke?" asked the supervisor

(Static)

my next job after that was wine tasting, but then they found out my ID was canadian and

immediately threw me out cause let's face it, Canadian ID's aren't Acceptable in

Eraklyon, magix, or anywhere where fairies and specialists try to make a living. plus it

was legitimately fake. that's an oxymoron. but my first job made me feel like one. i had

to work at a place called 'princesses zone' where i sold make-up and beauty products for

minimum wage. lemme tell you just how crappy that is."

(static)

Brandon is standing in a booth handing out samples of facial cream.

"Hello, would you like to sample this cream?" he asked

The girls walked by him, giggling.

"Are you sure. it's bound to make you look younger." he said

the teen girl looked at him and said "Seriously? why would i want to be

younger!" and walked off

Then a big dude walked by.

"hello, would you like to sample my face cream?" brandon asked him

(static)

"Wait. that didn't come out right." brandon said "let me rephrase that."

(static)

"Hello, would you like to sample mr. sexy&youthful's face cream?" brandon asked

(more static)

"Ok, ok, ok, ok. that was only my first day of work...I was only 14 years old, dangit! i was

still innocent! but at least security was nearby and they were brave enough to pull away

the 2 guys with the long hair, thick beards, and leather vests off of my face, although it

took about 3 weeks for my fractured jaw to re-align. after that incident, my boss, Sassy

Pewtergym, didn't make me try to push her homemade product. instead, she just

told me to play with her hair.

(static)

Brandon is playing with Sassy's hair. Sassy is a hermaphrodite with long blonde hair

and a deep male voice, and a serious anger problem.

(SERIOUS Author's Note: A hermaphrodite is a person who is born with either female

parts or male parts on their body, but also male or female parts inside of their body. in

some cases, this isn't discovered until maturity. When it is discovered, the foreign parts,

the ones not inside the body, are removed, and the subject lives their lives as with the

parts inside their body, however, they might show characteristics as the opposite sex,

such as voice or facial features. In my personal experience, i've met 2 hermaphrodites,

one of which who is a friend i've known since the age of 3, the other i just recently met

working at a mall kiosk. Sadly, everyone assumes she is a man dressed as a woman, and

quite often i get rude comments about her.)

"Oh brandon, you're so dreamy." sassy said

"thanks" brandon nervously replied.

"You got a girlfriend?" asked sassy

"uhhh...no. i'm only 14." said brandon

"do you like older girls?" asked Sassy

Brandon is clearly getting creeped out.

"um...no. After my mom's office party involving the chippendales dancers, i think

older women are totally out of my fantasies." brandon replied

"no no, silly. Older girls...like in their 20s...girls with blonde hair?" asked sassy

Brandon now figured out this older girl was really onto him.

Just then, a guy came walking by.

"hey man, why don't you dress like a man instead of a woman!" yelled the man

(static)

"Remember how i mentioned Sassy had a serious anger issue? you know the type where

the arsehole talking to her didn't understand her difference? well, sassy didn't exactly

take that lying down."

(static)

"YOU SON OF A..."

"No, sassy!" Brandon cut sassy off from swearing

But it didn't matter. sassy jumped on top of the dude and started slamming his head

into the mall floor.

"come on, brandon! help me!" sassy yelled out.

Brandon then jumped on the ignorant man and helped Sassy beat on him.

(static)

"So as a result, that was how my first job went. i was a hermaphrodite's bitch and i lost

job beating on a guy with tourettes who couldn't help running his mouth. but the police

were generous enough to drop the charges against me because i was acting on sassy's

orders. So thats how my first job went. hopefully yours goes better. Signed, Brandon."

(TV shuts off)

Notes: This 4 years too late update has a lot of inspiration in it - Currently i hold a

second job (But i'm gonna quit soon) as a Sales clerk at a mall kiosk, selling sunglasses,

and honest to god, my boss is ripping off the government. she claims disability and still

works more hours than i do. on top of that, the booth beside ours has a

Female hermaphrodite working in it, with a mix of male and female traits. A lot of

shoppers ask me about her, some questions are very harmful. but regardless, she is

a very nice person and i'm probably gonna miss her the most when i quit my second job.

and finally, the Canadian ID joke is a Tribute to my long-time internet friend and

fellow fanfictioner, Meg, who recently moved to Kelowna, BC (I think). I have yet to meet her.


	10. Stormy makes Icy Cry

WCEmail 10 - Stormy makes Icy Cry

Summary: A reader writes Stormy, asking how to make Icy Cry.

(Today's Subject; Stormy)

"it's been too long. we started this thing 5 years ago, and finally, i get to answer an

email!" Yelled stormy

"I'm sorry, stormy! but i only started working at a real job a month after Tecna's NES email."

Said the author

"Well jeez, you could've at least warned me! now lemme check my email!" said stormy

Stormy checked her mail.

"oh man, we got one. let's read it." she said

The letter read

"Dear Stormy

I am the youngest of my sisters and i hate it when they pick on me. but i love showing them

photos of dead kittens cause it makes them cry. have you ever made icy cry?"

Signed

Katniss Izdum

"Oh wow...a name that basically takes the word catnip, replaces the letter C with a K,

and replaces P with 2 s's. Your parents are so creative." stormy spoke sarcastically.

then she began writing.

"And yes...I have made icy cry. Lots of times. You'd be suprised at how sensitive she really

is underneath her motivation to take over the world. Anyways, here's how i make my older,

overtly sensitive sister cry - our mom used to videotape us, doing everything. My worst

childhood memories was my mom showing our cousins videos of me at age 4 singing along to

the lion king or taking a dump on the plastic toilet for a cookie."

Stormy added a page to her email.

"But icy's was even worse. She used to have a crush on this boy. and she followed him

all over the schoolyard. she sometimes even stole his lunch and made him chase her for it.

my mom filmed it secretly once. she also filmed icy describing just how much of a crush she

had on this boy. BTW his name was Taylor and icy likes any guy with the name taylor. If you

saw all the taylor lautner posters in her room you know who she wants to get boned by.

anyways, any time icy holds something over my head, i just hold up my copy of the videotape

and tell her that taylor is gonna watch it when i bring it to our home realm. let's witness the

results of this so-called Catastrophe in action." Stormy got up from the chair.

(static)

Icy was playing with her nails in her room.

"oh taylor, i would kill myself for you." icy said to herself

Stormy walked into the room.

"hey icy, have you seen my favorite skirt?" asked Stormy

"i didn't. Darcy must have taken it." said icy

"she didn't, i already asked her. she proved it." said Stormy

"well, i didn't! but i'm not gonna go through my things!" said icy

"i want my skirt back!" stormy demanded

"I don't have it!" yelled icy

"well, well, well. I guess that means i'll show taylor this tape i have!" Stormy said with a big

smile on her face.

"no...oh no! No! come on, stormy! thats not fair!" said Icy

"you should've thought of that before you stole my skirt!" said stormy

"no, no!" Icy then started crying "Please! no! YOU'LL RUIN MY LIFE!" exclaimed Icy

"taylor's gonna love hearing your cute opinions on him." said Stormy

"NO!" Icy was bawling like a baby "It's not fair! Stormy! you B****!"

Stormy ran out of the room yelling "Taylors gonna know about your fantasies!"

Icy then pulled her taylor lautner doll out of her drawers and started cuddling with it

as she continued to cry.

"No! i hate you stormy! i hate you!"

(static)

"So to sum up this email, i have made icy cry. I'm sure there's a lot of you out there who

simply want to hear her cry cause you hate her so much. and being the best of the 3 sisters,

and the cutest, i'm gonna make all your wishes come true...actually, scratch that. all

our mutual wishes. i like seeing icy cry. anyways, have a stormy day."

Stormy closed her email window.

(TV turns off)


	11. Shining Time Stella

Episode 11 - Shining Time Stella

Summary: Stella ended up as an actress - on shining time station...and it wasn't pretty.

(WARNING; to Native Canadians, this episode might be offensive to some

due to the fact it attacks first nations stereotype. But what do you care? I'm paying for your

drug and alcohol habits anyways.)

Stella sits down at the computer.

"oh my god...i'm gonna check my Email...jeez, who uses that anymore, thats so 2001.

Stella hits the inbox button and sees one email.

"oh...ok...so apparently someone's stuck in 2001."

Stella read the Email.

"Dear Stella

I'm an actress from vancouver BC, mostly doing B-movies and dubs for cartoons,

and i was told someone by your name was on a show once and did the worst job

of acting.." stella stopped reading for a second

"hey! wait! i'm not that bad of an actor...i mean actress! i'm good at it! oh girl, you need

to go to cool school to learn from me."

Stella kept reading the email.

"...The worst job of acting on a classic, Shining Time Station. I was wondering if you

would be so kind to send the tape so i can educate my acting class how not to act."

signed

Daniella Evangelistic (no, it's not Daniella Evangelista, although she is hot

thru-&-Thru and has a great voice)

"So...when was this email sent?" stella wondered, no wallets?

(A.N. See if you can figure out why i added "No wallets" to this sentence.)

She read the date of the sent mail - 10/01/02 (October 1st, 2002)

"Wow...this email is almost a decade old...you'd think with all the updates and

junk mail it would've fallen through the cracks." said stella to herself

"But none the less" stella began to reply " yeah i still have the tape. You want it? keep it,

burn it for all i care! the last thing i want to do is pop that piece of s*** back into

the VCR for all the world to see. it was back from 1994 when i was about 4 years old. my

mom and dad were still married, i was the cutest toddler in all of solaria and they

wanted to show my cuteness off. so they got me a job as a guest character

on shining time station.

Stella grabbed the Tape and put it in the VCR.

"but please, no flash photography...you could damage the image

projected on the...ok wait, nevermind, take as many photos as you like."

(static)

"_To a shining time station, where dreams can come true...your own imagination _

_waiting there for you!" _went the theme song.

then the episode started. the episode was titled "Schemer's big boom!"

Stacy jones was reading the paper. the title read "If your hand is bigger than your face,

you might have cancer."

(A.N. This is actually a prank i learned from Family guy. When your friend puts his or her hand in front of his or her face, push his arm towards him or her and make him or her hurt him or herself!)

"Shut up, Author guy! Say one more her after him and i'll tie you to the tracks!" yelled Stacy

"I'll let you tell me to shut up!" I replied back (ok, now it's in 1st person) "After

you stop shoving that vibrator up your...self crying out 'Taylor! Taylor!'"

"F*** you! Taylor lautner is more sexier and cuter than you'll ever be!" she yelled back

"Whatever, doesn't change the fact you're a 40 year old virgin." I replied

"I'll show you a 40 year old..." stella then walked into the room (ok, back in 3rd person)

"Hi!" stella said

"hello little girl! whats your name?" asked stacy

"barbie!" said stella

"ok barbie...where's your mommy?" asked stacy

"she got run over by the train." said stella

"oh no! is she ok?" asked stacy

"OF COURSE I'M NOT OK! MY BODY'S ALL BRUISED, I LOST MY 3 LOWER LEFT TEETH! AND

SOME WEIRDO IS TRYING TO GET ME INTO HIS FINANCE DEALS!" exclaimed an angry woman

And then schemer came in from behind.

"come on, people! buy some of these pamphlets for financial advice off me! only

5 bucks, they're goin' fast!" said schemer

"Oh geez, schemer, these look like the same pamphlets i can get at the bank for

free." replied stacy

"WHO CARES ABOUT PAMPHLETS! SOMEONE GET ME A BELT SO I CAN PUNISH THIS

LITTLE BRAT FOR PUSHING ME UNDER THE TRAIN!" yelled the angry woman,

who was presumably now 'barbie's' mother.

"I can sell you my leather one for 2 bucks." said schemer, starting to remove his belt

"oh good heavens, no no no, I'm not gonna let you hurt this innocent little girl."

stacy came to stella's aid

"oh all right...but barb, you'd better find me a new finger! the train cut this one off!"

exclaimed the mom, holding up a hand that lacked a finger.

"oh heavens, how did that happen?" asked stacy

"oh my, i was at the other station, and i was flipping off some dirty injun..." just then

billy two-feathers came into the room.

"where the hell is she! Where the hell is that b****!" exclaimed billy

"oh no, billy! she's already been hurt!" said Stacy

"i don't wanna hurt her, i just wanna tell it to her face." then billy looked at the

woman "yeah! karma's a b**** ain't it! you got what you deserved! don't be doin' all that

rain dance and all that other Stereotypical Bulls*** to me!" yelled billy, before

storming off into his room.

"F*** you, go back to residential school." said the woman to billy

"I'll put you in a residential funeral pyre!" yelled billy, before slamming the door shut.

"oh good heavens, let me set you down here and i'll call an ambulance." said stacy

"Can i dial the numbers?" asked stella

"sure." said stacy, taking stella off into the phone booth.

(Static)

"Just don't forget folks, this was the season they never aired cause no one

wanted to watch a Thomas the tank engine spin-off. so the producers could do

all that native-racist swearing stuff. but seriously, don't go to your school and tell a native

kid he needs to go back to the residential school system, cause thats like

pouring salt in an open wound to those people. and don't tell them to get a

job, cause they already have one - making the white man feel bad for crap the modern

white man never did...since when can a native guy in modern day feel their ancestor's pain!

it's not like they get beat by their drunken fathers each night, who only get drunk

cause they're trying to drown bad memories of being raped by catholic priests."

Awkward silence

"uh...back to the tape." stella shot off

(static)

"Ok barbie, do you know how to hit the numbers?" asked stacy

"i wanna call the cops!" said stella

"ok, ok, then dial 9-1-1." said stacy

Stella dialed 9-1-1

"ok good! that will bring the ambulance for your mom." said stacy

"she's not my real mom...my real.." stella was cut off

"i know, i know...ok hello! operator! i need to get an ambulance to the shining time station."

said stacy

Meanwhile, over by schemer, schemer was putting together C4 and a primer.

"oh boy, blowing up that train coming in is gonna be the easiest dollar i ever made!" he said

as he rigged up the device, stella came wandering over.

"hi! hi!" stella said

"oh hello there, little girl! you know what i'm doing?" asked schemer

"no." said stella

"i'm making money!" said schemer

"how?" asked stella

"Well, i set up this stick of dynamite, and i push that button there." schemer pointed to

the primer "and it blows up money! kaboom!" said schemer

"kaboom! can i push the button?" asked stella

"not yet!" said schemer, setting up what he thought was playdoh.

But just then, a guy ran into the room.

"hey! hey! the C4 from the military base is missing!" said the man

"oh good heavens, how could that have happened?" asked stacy

"i push button!" said Stella

"NOOO!" but schemer was too late. the C4 exploded, taking the whole Shining

time station with it.

(long static)

Awkward silence.

"yes...thats how my career in show business ended. i blew up stacy and schemer, and

my pretend mom...and it wasn't me who pushed her under the train! it was the native guy.

well, my pretend mom deserved it. she was telling him how injuns were lazy and how they

couldn't get jobs and they didn't have to pay taxes...so as it turns out, i got the blame, he got

to walk, i can't think of any better justice than that for the first nations man.

anyways daniella, i'm sending you the tape. hope you find it useful. Signed, Stella.

PS. Hopefully your class is still waiting in 2012."

(static)


	12. Fleeca Credit Union

Title: skye and the Fleeca Credit union

summary: Skye gets a spam email...and handles it like a pro.

(Static)

Skye sat on his computer chair.

"Ah what the hell, let's answer an email." said Skye

Skye opened up the only email he had, titled "Fleeca Credit Union."

It read

"Dear Prince Skye of Eraklyon

We regret to inform you that our databanks were corrupted and credit card information

was lost. in order to restore your current credit rating, we ask that you send us your

credit card information so we can properly restore your info. failure to do so will

terminate your account with us within 48 hours of this letter's Promise we

are real and are not just trying to steal your money.

Fleeca Credit Union"

Skye looked at the email.

"Well, i know how to fix this." skye told himself. he started editing the paper.

soon, it read like this.

"Dear Chibi Horsewoman

We regret to inform you that our databanks were corrupted and credit card information

was lost. in order to restore your current credit rating, we ask that you send us your

credit card information so we can properly restore your info. failure to do so will

terminate your account with us within 48 hours of this letter's ending.

Fleeca Credit Union"

Then skye hit send to chibi horsewoman's Email address.

(Static)

(Screen shows 10 minutes later)

Skye rechecked his email.

it read

"Dear Fleeca Credit union

This is Chibi horsewoman. You've got the same email address as skye from the winx club! you'll find my credit card info in the attached file.

-Chibi horsewoman."

Skye laughed a belly laugh.

"oh, that was way too easy. now for the years of torture on me and my girlfriend,

chibi's about to make a little contribution to the Skye tax.

Skye opened up

"gee, i wonder what chibi's credit limit is." Skye thought to himself.

(static)


End file.
